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You may be a republican if:
- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend".
- You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs".
- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the s.o.b.s!!"
- You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
- You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie".
- You answer to "The Man."
- You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood".
- You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
- You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
- When people say "Marx", you think "Groucho".br>
- You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
- You think an assault rifle with 500 rounds of ammo is necessary to "defend your family".
- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
- You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
- You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
- You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
- You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve".
- You call MLK Day "Dead colored guy day".
- You've ever called education a luxury.
- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
- You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
- You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
- You're afraid of the "liberal media".
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
- You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of "pornographers".
- You think all artists are gay.
- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
- You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
